Yelp Reviews From Famous Literary Characters

Yelp Reviews From Famous Literary Characters

Jean Valjean, Les Miserables: 19th Century France Penal System

Half a Star

19 YEARS FOR A LOAF OF BREAD?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Horrible food, deplorable accommodations, dispassionate staff. Stay clear of guy named Javert, MAJOR power trip issues. HALF A STAR MORE THAN DESERVED!!!!!

Winston Smith, 1984: The Government

Five Stars

WOW!!!!! FIVE STARS SKY HIGH! What might first appear to be a dystopian totalitarian state is actually HEAVEN ON EARTH! Efficient government, no hassling with free thought. Start thinking maybe things aren’t all they’re cracked up to be? No problem!! The government’s FREE therapy treatment can get you straightened out in no time! BIG BROTHER IS THE MAN!!

Julius Caesar, Julius Caesar: Rome

Three and a Half Stars

Fair weather, pleasant accommodations, amiable citizens. (Kind of pushy with the crown thing lol). The soothsayers are the low point here, cryptic warnings etc. Big downer. If you get a chance while you’re down there, check out the Senate. Rumor has it those guys are planning something big!

Oliver Twist, Oliver Twist: Workhouse

Half a Star

Don’t be deceived; the name is only half true: it is quite simply all work and no house. I could get past the drably conditions and ragged clothes, but c’mon man: half a bowl of gruel? Really? Don’t try asking for more at this place; manager goes PSYCHOTIC! DO NOT RECOMMEND!!

Santiago, The Old Man and the Sea: The Sea

Two and a Half Stars

I’ve been coming here for years, but as of late The Sea has become too unpredictable for my blood. Not enough fish, sharks galore, and just straight up BAD LUCK! There’s some big ones out there, but too much risk for the customer’s reward.

Alice, Alice in Wonderland: Wonderland

Four and a Half Stars

Want to hallucinate without acid? WONDERLAND IS THE PLACE FOR YOU!! Ultra- nonconformist feel, clever innovations, OUT OF THIS WORLD refreshments! Rabbit hole entryway kind of a pain, but well worth the effort! Crazy queen trying to cut off your head only thing keeping this place from a perfect five! Will DEFINITELY be back!

Robinson Crusoe, Robinson Crusoe: The Deserted Island

Four Stars

Ok, so this place may not be for everyone, but if you’re the back-to-basics type, this place is a DIY heaven. Primitive is the general feel here; stark, woodsy exterior. Beachfront foliage makes for a great place to wait for rescue while simultaneously hiding from violent natives. Tip: Try saving the life of one of the warriors!

Ebenezer Scrooge, A Christmas Carol: Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future

One and a Half Stars

Two words: Bah humbug! These guys are nothing more than hustlers with sleazy marketing strategies. Let me walk you through their three-act “guilt trip package”: First, Past will play up the nostalgia bit by showing you your childhood. Present plays the family card right after that, with Future wrapping it all up nicely with a vision of a gloomy grave. All of this as they drag you around the city in the freezing cold. To top it off, there were the not-so-subtle hints about my “giving back from my wealth.” Like I don’t know a nudge for a tip when I see one. All in all, this “life changing service” is nothing more than cheap textbook marketing. BUYER BEWARE!

 

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