The Voltamp Awards: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

The Voltamp Awards: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
 Rudolph: Everyone’s favorite Christmas classic and the perfect film to honor first with the Voltamp Awards. Comment below to let me know what you think and which was your favorite.
Most Pessimistic Santa Ever: Santa
    “It’s snowing. Christmas is cancelled. The elf song stinks. I’m not hungry.”
Most Paradoxical Statement: Hermy
“Hey! Let’s be independent together!”
Most Easily Coerced into Joining Things He Doesn’t Understand: Rudolph
“Yeah! I’m…whatever you just said.”
Most Misunderstood Villain: The Bumble
“Hey, he’s hungry! Let’s rip out all his teeth and force him to do our Christmas bidding!”
Most Likely to be in the Unemployment Office: The Bumble
“Hey look! The Bumble can do something no one else can do! Unless we somehow miraculously have…I don’t know…a ladder?”
Most “Thanks for Nothing” Character: King Moonraiser
“I search the earth for toys with next to nothing wrong with them and bring them here to a snowy wasteland so their tears of abandonment can freeze to their little porcelain faces.”
Most Disturbing Open Murder of a Character: Unnamed elf
This cute little scene comes when a sociopathic elf hurls the owl who can’t fly out of the sleigh without an umbrella.
Most-Not-Misfit-Just-Awesome Character: The Cowboy who Rides an Ostrich
Enough said.
Most Detached/Creepily Omnipresent Narrator Ever: Snowman Sam
“Yep. I saw it all. The lonely reindeer. The heartache. The loss. The Bumble about to devour everyone. But I didn’t do anything about it. I’m just an observer.
Most Two-Faced Character Ever: Head Elf
With boss: Pour your hearts into this song, my elf brethren. Remember: it’s for Santa.
With employees: You worthless serf! Keep at your mindless drivel! You will never achieve a career in medicine; your destiny is to work till you die in this North Pole sweat shop!
Most Ingenious Machining Work of a Character: Donner
So a character with no tools, no machining background, and NO FINGERS makes his son a fully functional prosthetic nose? Bravo, Donner.
Most Confusing Statement: Donner
“Stay here. This is man’s work.”
But…I thought you were…an animal?
Most Disturbing Question: Santa
Where does the meat Santa is eating come from? And where is Blitzen?
Best “Don’t Question Me” Moment: Yukon
Hermy: I thought you were looking for gold.
Yukon: I changed my mind. And I’m three times bigger than you, have a really sharp pick, a pack of meat hungry dogs, and I’ve been alone so long there’s a good chance my mind is gone. Don’t push it.
Most Vindictive Imminent Revenge: Hermy/Head Elf
Hermy: “Hey remember when you stomped on my dreams, publically humiliated me, and fired me? No hard feelings. By the way you have a cavity. Won’t hurt a bit. Promise.
Most “Thanks for the Help Guys” Moment: Rudolph/Rudolph’s family
Donner: “Wow. It’s really cool that our son risked his life to try to rescue us. We should repay him by standing here doing absolutely nothing while the Bumble crushes his skull and prepares to eat him. Clarisse, maybe you can say something helpful like ‘Why doesn’t he just get it over with’?
Most Unexpected Wealth of Knowledge: Yukon
Fortunately for everyone, Yukon has his PhD in “Bumble”.
–Bumbles sink!
–Bumbles prefer pork to venison!
–Bumbles bounce!
Most Materialistic Character: Snowman Sam
“I mean, it just wouldn’t be Christmas without a Christmas tree covered in silver and gold. Remember that kids: if it’s not shiny, it’s not Christmas.”
Most Disturbing Visual: Hermy
Hermy. All alone. In the workshop. With a pile of dolls. Methodically knocking all their teeth out.
Most Obscure Moral: Rudolph
If you’re born with a physical anomaly, you’ll be doomed to live as an embittered loner. Unless a freak blizzard occurs. Then you’re in business.
Hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you think.

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